


Not Always What It Looks Like...

by AllHallowsEve



Series: Wincest Colored Glasses [13]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional pain, Episode: s01e13 Route 666, F/M, Intense desire, Longing, Love, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Pre-Slash, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-20 19:23:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14900510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllHallowsEve/pseuds/AllHallowsEve
Summary: The boys get side tracked by a case involving Dean's old flame.  They proceed to misread each other by miles, leading to emotional devastation for both of them.Episode 13 as seen through Wincest colored glasses.





	Not Always What It Looks Like...

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bear of a story. Much longer than most of the previous ones in this series. So many emotions ahead. So much love and anxiety from both brothers. Just be warned, I took this episode apart, scene by scene. There was so much to unpack in this one.
> 
> As always this is unbeta'd so please let me know if you notice any mistakes.

Sam was excited, he had found a way around construction that had been causing them trouble for a while, and maybe even found a way to get to the case they were heading towards in Pennsylvania earlier than Dean had thought.

Dean summarily shot that down, explaining bitterly that they had to go help one of his old friends who had called about her father dying, since it seemed like their kind of case.  His statement had the finality to it that Sam would normally have argued against, just out of need to not be bossed around like a kid, but Dean’s demeanor was down, almost filled with dread if Sam wasn’t mistaken.  So Sam just got in the car. 

He chewed on the fact that this ‘old friend’ was a female.  And that Dean had said, “Believe me, she never would’ve called, never, if she didn’t need us.”

That didn’t sit well with Sam.  It sounded like there was a painful story there and Dean seemed to have carried it around with him, silently, for a long time.  That hurt Sam’s soul to think his brother might long for someone else, or might have fallen for someone else before.  Sure he knew Dean had left broken hearts by the hundreds along the highways they have traveled, but he thought he would have known if Dean’s heart had ever been broken.

Sam told himself to just let it go.  Told himself he had no right to be jealous.  Dean didn’t love him the way Sam loved Dean.  But as hard as he tried, he could stay silent.  He asked Dean what he meant by “old friend,” and as Sam had expected, Dean brushed him off with, “A friend that’s not new.”

Sam continued to dig, finding out her name was Cassie, and that Dean had dated her for a couple of weeks while he and their dad had been doing a job in Athens, Ohio.  It freaked Sam out.  He was trying to play it casual.  Trying to just be the ‘pain in the ass little brother’ that Dean was used to, but it was eating him alive.  Dean never _dated_ anyone.  He had rarely ever even seen girls more than once, except in high school, when he had to play it slow, to get into someone’s pants. So this news was causing Sam’s guts to twist.

Sam told Dean he was sorry that Cassie’s dad had died, but it sounded to Sam like a simple car accident.  It was only then, that Sam put two and two together, realizing that Dean had actually told Cassie their secret.  That he had broken their family’s number one rule.  Sam lost his temper.  He berated Dean, bringing up the fact that for a year and a half he had done nothing but lie to Jessica, his voice rose higher and higher at Dean, as he got more and more panicked. 

This Cassie girl had to be genuinely important to Dean. _Did he even love her maybe?_ Sam had no idea what to do.  They were driving straight towards someone who might actually be able to take Dean away from him.  He had always believed that Dean’s love of the hunt and his loyalty to their father and their mission, would never allow Dean to get emotionally attached to anyone.  Therefore Sam could be the center of his attention even if he had to settle for just being brothers, it would be enough. 

But now, it felt his whole life, his whole sense of his place in the world, seemed to be tipping sideways.

Once they reached their destination, Sam waited a pace back from his brother, watching as Dean saw Cassie, for the first time in who knows how many years.  Her face seemed so happy to see Dean.  And Sam couldn’t blame her, Dean riding to the rescue to take care of whatever happened to her father.  It must be a special sight for her to behold.  Sam knew he was moved every time Dean came to his rescue in a hunt.

Sam tried to smile and act like everything was fine when he watched their reunion happen in front of him.  He plastered on a happy expression, but he fought back bile forming on his tongue.  He barely kept tears from falling as he watched the two of them, hiding everything behind a bright shiny smile. Listening as his brother showed genuine sorrow about this woman losing her father.

Sam tried to focus solely on the case.  When they went back to Cassie’s mom’s he just listened, trying to act like this was any other case, instead of making him feel like his skin was on fire every moment he had to be in the same room with the two of them.

Cassie was laying out the details of her dad being scared, leading up to his death.  That he had felt like he was being followed by an ominous black truck.  She went on to explain that her mom was nervous and worried for her dad before he died, and that she still seemed frightened.  Cassie also told them about her father’s partner, who had been killed the exact same way too.

It was fine while she was going through the background of the case, but then she said “Listen, I’m a little skeptical about this ghost stuff.”

Sam had really tried to pretend she was just a witness in a case they had been called in on.  But then Dean’s bitter laughter filled the silence, followed closely by “Skeptical, if I remember right, I think you said I was nuts.”

Sam watched Dean’s expressive face, to anyone else he would have seemed just put out, but Sam knew every line in that beautiful exterior.  Everything from the way Dean was holding his shoulders to the furrow in his brow, along with the hurt tone of his voice, told Sam that this had really affected him, when she had rejected him so long ago.  It made Sam hate this woman, sitting before him, even more than he already did.

Another person of color was killed that night, in the exact same way as Cassie’s father and his partner.  The boys went to the scene with Cassie but the Mayor fought the idea that the three deaths were related or in any way victims of foul play.  Cassie stood up to him, asking him to close the stretch of road the three deaths had happened on, until they found out what was going on, but he refused.

Back at the motel room the two brothers were sharing, they dressed in their suits, to prepare for upcoming interviews as insurance agents.  Sam approached the mirror where Dean stood appraising himself, working on his tie.  Saying to his brother, “I’ll say this for her, she’s fearless.”

Dean hummed neutrally in reply.

Trying to keep things light, Sam continued, “Bet she kicked your ass a couple of times.”

Dean looked at Sam but said nothing as he continued fighting with his tie.

Sam couldn’t let it go.  “What’s interesting is, you guys never really look at each other at the same time, you look at her when she’s not looking.  She checks you out when you look away.”

He was trying to control himself, to control the feelings that were making him feel as if he were coming apart at the seams.  But the bitterness came out in his tone, pushing Dean.  Jabbing him about the situation he clearly didn’t want to talk about.

He got under Dean’s skin, but Dean tried to deflect by saying they had more pressing issues that needed attention.

Sam couldn’t help needling Dean.  He went for an innocent tone when he poked at him one last time about the fact that he must have hit a nerve. 

Dean couldn’t take it anymore and walked out in a huff.  He knew Sam was just being annoying, but this whole situation was unnerving for Dean.  He had been feeling so raw and vulnerable when Sam left for Stanford.  He had drank his way into oblivion more nights than not. 

When his dad had initially told Dean they were staying for a while in the small town of Athens, Ohio, Dean thought he would lose his mind.  He couldn’t find enough alcohol to chase away the feelings of loss and abandonment filling his soul every time he looked in the back seat of Baby where Sam should have been.  Every time he didn’t have to trade up bunks, and worry about sleeping arrangements, because it was just him and John in their motel now, made his heart ache.

The only thing making life bearable for Dean at the time, was staying moving, like a shark, he needed to be on the road to survive, killing things somehow made the pain more bearable.  But staying in one place, especially a tiny town like Athens, Dean had started going stark raving mad.  So when Cassie had shown interest, he threw himself at her, lock, stock, and barrel.  It didn’t make the loss of Sam subside, but it did give him someone else to focus on, to ease his body’s suffering even if it did nothing for his mind or his heart.

He hadn’t had anyone to talk to since Sam left.  Sam had not just been his brother, he had been his best friend, his confidant. Once he left, Dean had been completely alone in the world, except for John.  On his best day, their dad was a man of few words, barking orders, parsing out what few details he thought Dean needed to know to get the job done, but he never talked small talk.  He never cared if Dean was having a good day or bad one. 

So to have Cassie show interest in him, in what he was going through, it had made him open up, vomit out information he normally wouldn’t have, just because he had been starved for conversation.  And honestly, she was the first person who had ever looked at Dean, the way Sam did when he was little, like Dean wasn’t just a pretty face, but was the most interesting thing in the world.  It had intoxicated him, the way the bottles of Jack and Jim had stopped doing long ago.

Then when she had rejected him, at his most vulnerable, it had opened up all the wounds Sam had left behind. Made him feel like jagged bits of glass had torn up the barely healed over raw flesh of his heart.

So for Sam to be enjoying this, needling him, like only a brother that knows you too well, could.  It was grating on Dean’s nerves in the harshest way.

He had to focus on the case, just get through this, so he could try to leave all this upset behind.

They went to talk to a couple of friends of the newest victim, trying to suss out if the victim had ever spoken about the same black truck that Cassie’s dad had. One of the guys thought they were crazy.  But the other guy, he told the brothers about a truck like that back in the 60s, that had been the cause of several black men’s death back then.  It had all been kept hush hush though because the town wasn’t always so nice to people of color at that time. 

Dean’s theory was that maybe the truck was something like the old story of the Flying Dutchman.  Maybe if the person who had killed all those men in the 60s died, his spirit had come back to continue his work, and had been connected so profoundly to the instrument of his killings, that this was how the spirit was now manifesting.

Sam thought it was a good theory, but Dean thought they needed to ask Cassie about it, since the current deaths all seemed connected to her family.  Sam told Dean that while he was talking to her about that, he also needed to speak to her about the serious unfinished business that was hanging between the two of them. 

When Dean looked shocked by that, Sam laughed disbelievingly, trying to hide his own pain when he asked his brother point blank, “What is going on between you two?

Dean looked at Sam, studied his face intently, licking his lips before confessing, “So maybe we were a little bit more involved than I said.”

Sam let the full force of his sarcasm fill his voice, in spite of his dead pan expression, “Oh, okay, yeah.”

He waited patiently just staring at Dean.

“Okay, a lot more, maybe,” Dean couldn’t believe he was being forced to talk all this out, with the source of his reason for seeking comfort in Cassie to begin with.  He was in hell.

He had come this far so he continued. “I told her the secret about what we do, and I shouldn’t have.”

Sam tried to be compassionate, seeing how uncomfortable this was making Dean.  Knowing he had no room to be jealous, since he had been with Jessica for over a year and a half, in spite of being in love with Dean.  He told Dean that everyone has to open up to someone sometime.

Dean refused to agree.  He beat himself up for ever having done so, saying, “It was stupid to get that close.  I mean, look how it ended.”

Sam stared at Dean, silently, the full force of what Dean was saying, how deeply impacted he was by the woman they were here to help, made plain.  It hit Sam like a punch to his solar plexus.  He whispered quietly, “You loved her.”

It wasn’t a question.  He knew in his gut that was what was going on here.  His impenetrable brother, that never cared about anyone in the world, other than family, had fallen in love with this woman.  Pain rippled through every cell in Sam’s body.  But he stood firmly, he would be here to support Dean, he would help him face this, get through it.

Sam was confused after a moment, because he asked Dean, if he was in love with her, why would he dump her?

The look his brother gave him answered plainly, what it was that Sam had missed.  Dean hadn’t dumped Cassie, she had dumped him.  Sam felt violently ill. He hated Cassie, loathed her with every part of him.  How could anyone, especially someone that Dean had opened up to, allowed her to see part of him that he never showed anyone, even told her the truth about their family business, going against John’s number one rule, and yet in the face of all that, she had dumped him.  _How was Sam going to keep from killing her?_ He wanted to put a bullet in her brain and then salt and burn her corpse.

He stood in astonishment by the driver’s side door, even after Dean had yelled at him to get in the car.  Just letting all of the information impact him and wash over him.  He had to force himself to move, to walk around the car and get in.  They still had a job to do, and Dean wouldn’t let them leave until they had seen it though.

Sam had just told him to go talk to the only woman that Dean might have ever loved.  Sam had to prop himself against the door, all the way back to the motel, to try to control his body.  He felt sick, he didn’t know what would happen.  What if somehow they made up and Dean decided to stay here, to be with her?  Why didn’t Sam say he would talk to her and Dean could do research on the past killings in his place?

_No_ , Sam knew that if Dean’s feelings were left to fester, then it might drive a wedge between the brothers somehow.  Dean had to get all this out, face this woman, decide, one way or another, what he wanted.  Sam couldn’t allow her to be a ghost between them.  He had to hope Dean would choose him, choose being with him on the road, doing their job, the only way Sam could have him.  He prayed it would be enough for Dean.

Dean churned on what to do the entire way to the motel.  He wished he could just keep on driving both of them out of this godforsaken town and never look back.  He had just gotten his brother back, gotten to have him by his side, and Sam even seemed happy to be there.  Why did this have to come dredging up all that he had felt when Sam left?

Sam had said Dean had been in love with Cassie, he had been in love alright, but not with her.  He was still in love, but couldn’t have Sam the way he wanted, would never be able to have him that way.  So what did he do when he went to see Cassie?  He confronted her about all they had gone through, about how she had rejected him, when he had actually told her the truth.  Then he did exactly what he had done the first time, and took all the pain, all the anguish and need he felt for his brother and allowed his body to forget, for a time.  Taking Cassie to bed the way he wished he could take Sam. 

Dean had no idea that back at the motel, Sam was throwing up everything he had eaten in the last two days.  He had begun to get flashes of emotions and things being said, but they were foggy.  It had made his brain hurt the way his premonitions sometimes did, but this time, it was all about Dean.  Dean was in pain, and then suddenly he wasn’t.  As soon as Sam realized what it meant he began to wretch, barely making it to the bathroom in time.

Dean and Cassie talked quietly about what had happened, and what had gone wrong.  He couldn’t be honest with her about why he had opened up to her before.  And he wasn’t sure what to say to her now.  But when she said, “Well, usually things get worked out when you really want them to.”

And that was the crux of the problem right there.  She had hurt Dean before, by rejecting him, opening the wound Sam had left in his heart when he had rejected him, abandoning him for Stanford.  But Dean would have never stayed with Cassie, even if she hadn’t broken up with him.  He didn’t love her.  He needed her to temporarily fill that empty void, but nothing more. 

His heart belonged to Sam, and always would.  He could never stop hunting, it was who he was, and now that Sam was along for the ride, he never wanted to.

Sam called Dean to tell him that he was at the site of another murder.  This time, it was the Mayor.  When Dean got there, Sam asked, “Where were you last night?”  Already knowing full well, exactly where he was and what had happened. 

Dean didn’t answer, couldn’t, as he stood looking up at Sam, who was giving him a knowing look, Dean felt ill.  Like he had betrayed the love of his life and he felt so ashamed. 

Sam didn’t let it go.  Trying to act nonchalant, like his body wasn’t aching from the extreme purge he gone through last night, he continued, “You didn’t make it back to the motel.  I’m guessing you guys worked things out.”

He tried to chuckle, looking down at Dean as they walked, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.

Both brothers decided to focus on the case, neither understanding they were both in equal amounts of pain. They went into deep research mode, and found out that there seemed to be some connection to an old family that had owned most everything in town at some point in the past. One of the family members had gone missing back in 1963, around the same time as all the previous killings.

The Mayor had bought the last of their property and had bulldozed the family’s old house down.  The first new killing happened the very next day.

They had only just begun to put the pieces together, knowing there was still something they weren’t seeing.  The boys were still trying to figure it out, when Dean got a frantic call from Cassie.  The truck had shown up at her mom’s house and terrorized her.   Sam almost broke all his teeth, grinding them together so hard, on the drive over there. 

Cassie’s mom finally put the missing piece into the picture so that the boys knew who they were actually up against.  Forty years earlier, the missing man, Cyrus Dorian, had dated Cassie’s mom.  She broke up with him to secretly marry Cassie’s dad, but it outraged Cyrus.  He began killing young black men, and on the day that her parents were supposed to get married in a small local church, Cyrus burned it down, with a group of children inside.

Cyrus got Cassie’s dad alone and beat him almost senseless, but somehow her father managed to get the bat away from him and beat Cyrus to death instead.  He then called his friends and they put Cyrus’s dead body in his big black truck and drove him into a pond on his family’s land.  The Mayor had been a young deputy at the time and had looked the other way when he found out what had happened.  Now no one was left for the ghost to seek revenge on except Cassie.

The brothers took up sentry duty outside the house. Sam leaned against the Impala and glumly stated, “Oh, my life was so simple, just school, exams, papers on polycentric cultural norms.” He laughed bitterly.

Dean came over and leaned on the hood next to Sam, saying “So I guess I saved you from a boring existence.”  His teasing tone belied the fear that gripped his heart, maybe Sam longed for those things, instead of being here with Dean.

Sam sighed forlornly, saying flatly, “Sometimes occasionally I miss boring.” 

None of that was true, Sam loved being on the road alone with Dean.  Going from one adventure to the next, seeing Dean in the element that made him shine, with a gun in his hand and intensity on his face.  But watching him want a woman, the way Sam longed to be wanted by his brother, it was killing him. 

When Dean was dying, after being electrocuted several weeks ago, Sam swore he would do whatever it took to be with Dean, but he had never counted on having to watch Dean be in love with someone else.  His occasional meaningless sexual hook ups were hard enough, but Sam had grown used to those, built up a callous about it.  He knew that was just part of the price, of getting to be near someone as sexually magnetic, as Dean was.  It hurt, but it was nothing compared to the soul crushing agony, of knowing Dean was in love with someone else.

As Dean heard those words come out of Sam’s mouth, one of his biggest fears confirmed, that Sam missed his old life, Dean’s head hung in dismay.  He nodded, unable to put into words the depth of the anxiety inducing, heart crushing, panic, those simple words seared into his soul.  The knowledge, that any second, Sam could decide to go back, to leave Dean, once again, hung over him like a specter of what Dean truly deserved.  That he would never be enough.  That he couldn’t offer Sam any of the things he could have if he went back to Stanford.

The only thing Dean had to offer Sam, was himself.  A sick twisted love that began and ended with his baby brother, and would be with him until the day he drew his last breath.  Why would Sam ever choose that, over normal, healthy, safe?  All the things Dean wasn’t.

Dean tried to deflect, to bring their attention back to the case at hand.  The reason they were out in the dark to begin with.  He said, “So this killer truck.”

Quick as a flash, Sam replied, “I miss conversations that didn’t start with _this killer truck_.”  Sam smiled sorrowfully.

Dean felt as if Sam had slapped him in the face.  Shock played across his features, before he laughed, trying to recover and hide how much that had hurt.

Continuing with the conversation Dean was trying to focus on, he discussed the case, and how the Cyrus was in the swamp, how it had become his tomb.  He had to get them talking about something that wouldn’t continue to kill Dean’s soul.

Sam took the hint, even if he didn’t understand the reason behind it, and picked up the other half of the conversation.  They worked out why Cyrus’ spirit had come out of dormancy after forty years, because of the destruction on his property. 

Just about the time Sam thought he could focus on the fact they were going to have to dredge the truck up out of the water, and what a challenge and mess that was sure to be, Cassie came walking up.  Sam tried desperately to swallow down the violent reaction his body wanted to make.

Dean told Cassie to stay put and that they were going to go take care of everything. She smiled with a flirty look on her face, “Don’t go getting all authoritative on me. I hate it.”

Sam couldn’t believe it.  He had basically said those words to Dean every day since turning fourteen to no avail.  But one word from Cassie, and Dean apologized, rewording what he had said into a request, instead of an order.

Sam laughed because if he didn’t he would cry. He watched in horror as Dean leaned over and kissed Cassie, and they just kept kissing, it seemed like it was never going to end.  He took it as long as he could before clearing his throat.

Dean motioned to him that he needed another minute, and then flippantly said immediately once he was finished, “You coming or what?” as if the holdup was Sam’s fault.

Sam would have like to have taken a knife and driven it right in Cassie’s heart, or his own, at the moment he didn’t care which, just anything to stop the pain.

He had no idea that Dean was in just as much pain.  That he was using Cassie as a balm for the wounds Sam had just inflicted, when he basically said he wished he was back at school.  Dean couldn’t drown the pain with booze the way he normally did, they were in the middle of a case, this thing with Cassie wasn’t perfect, but it gave his body something else to focus on, besides the pounding headache Sam had given him, from the fear of his leaving again.

They both were unusually quiet on the drive to find equipment, big enough to pull out the truck, if they could manage to find it.  Find it they did, and managed to pull it out of the water too.

Sam watched as Dean drove the large piece of machinery, as if he had been born to it.  He knew he had never handled anything like that before, but those kinds of challenges just came naturally to Dean.  Sam couldn’t believe his body found that so hot.  He fought to calm himself down and then irritably remembered who got to enjoy what Dean had to offer.

Once Dean had the truck up on the embankment, completely out of the water, he climbed down from the tractor, his attitude that of a conquering hero.

Sam couldn’t resist putting salt in his own wounds by saying, “Now I know what she sees in you.”

Dean turned to his brother in shock. “What?”  His heart pounding.  It was the first time Sam had ever insinuated that Dean was something to be noticed, something to be appreciated, for what he had to offer.

But then Sam dampened the effect he had just had on Dean by saying, “Come on man, you can admit it, you’re still in love with her.”

Dean’s hope crashed into the mud he was walking through.  How could he have been so stupid, to have even for a moment believed maybe Sam meant something else.  He was just ribbing Dean about Cassie, and how he thought Dean was hung up on her.  Of course he couldn’t blame Sam.  He would have teased Sam mercilessly, if the shoe was on the other foot, but that was different.  Dean would do that to keep himself from showing how much it would hurt him if Sam was with someone else. 

Sam was just being a pain in the ass little brother, same as always. 

Dean had to stop doing that to himself.  Stop finding rays of hope that falsely point to the potential for Sam to have the same desire for Dean that he had for Sam.  It was never going to happen.

The boys gathered all the necessities out of the trunk to salt and burn the body, and proceeded to do just that.  Neither of them had expected the haunted truck to appear across the field from them, while the body burned.

Dean jumped into Baby, telling Sam he was going to lead the killer ghost truck away while Sam figured out some way to burn the old, mud covered, actual physical truck.   Dean knew he had to lead the ghost away from Sam.  He couldn’t take the chance that his beloved would end up crushed and mangled the way the Mayor had been.

Sam panicked.  If he didn’t figure out a way to torch this entire truck, the specter, viciously chasing the Impala, would surely run Dean down.  He couldn’t have that, wouldn’t survive it himself.

After thinking about it for a second, it wasn’t only the logistics, of trying to burn the bog covered vehicle that stopped Sam from trying to go that route.  The way the burning of Cyrus’s body had only seemed to enrage the spirit, told Sam that it wouldn’t work, even if he did manage to burn the entire truck.  He had to figure something else out, and fast.

He hatched a plan, unfortunately, in order for it to work, he needed to talk to the one person on the planet he desperately didn’t want to go to for help.  But in order to save Dean’s life, and put this hateful case behind them once and for all, he had to.  He called Cassie.  He found out what he needed to know to hopefully save Dean’s life and called him on the cell.

Dean was furiously pushing Baby for all she was worth.  Even at her top speed she was barely outrunning the asshole spectral truck.  He listened to Sam’s directions, following them as best he could, becoming increasingly pissed as the truck slammed into Baby’s rear end, almost making him lose control completely.

Dean stopped where Sam instructed him to stop, his brother telling him to stay put.  That he would be safe if he just stayed there and drew the truck to him.

Dean didn’t question whether it would work.  He sat wrapped in the car he had loved since first learning what the word meant, the only home he had really ever known, watching an angry truck three times Baby’s size aiming straight for him.

He had no clue why Sam told him to wait there, but just like with every plan Sam came up with, he trusted Sam with his life. Sure, watching as the giant monster barreled at top speed towards him freaked him out, and had his heart racing.  But he believed in Sam.  Knew somehow that Sam wouldn’t put him in harm’s way, that somehow Sam believed he was safe and that this would work.  That was enough for Dean.

The truck crashed head long into some kind of invisible barrier and exploded, coming apart in a spectral fog, truck parts flying everywhere only to vanish, doing no harm to Baby or Dean.

In desperate fear, Sam repeated Dean’s name into the phone, hoping beyond hope that he hadn’t sent Dean to his death.  Relief flooded his system as Dean finally answered him, asking Sam what had happened and where the truck went.

As Sam described his plan, to use the hallowed ground of the very church where Cyrus had killed the kids all those years ago, to stop the mad spirit once and for all, Dean couldn’t believe how brilliant Sam was.  Even their father wouldn’t have put together a plan like this one.

But then when he realized Sam had said he had figured _maybe_ it would work, all his fears flooded back, knowing that he had put his life in his brother’s hands, without knowing for sure it _would_ work. 

On the drive back his nerves steadied, as he realized, that this is what he had been doing the entire time he worked with Sam on hunts.  He trusted him with his life, day in and day out, never knowing if a plan would work or not.  He had finally found something he believed in, something he actually had faith in, his baby brother, the love of his life.  He laughed in disbelief as he drove back to pick him up.

The next morning, he explained everything that had happened with the ghost, to Cassie.  Sam sat in the car quietly as he watched them walk towards the vehicle together. 

Cassie knew that there was no hope for the two of them to work.  She could tell this time, something she hadn’t realized before.  There was something or someone else in Dean’s heart.  She didn’t know who occupied the spot she would love to be in, or if it was just the hunting life, but she knew he was taken.  In spite of Dean trying to leave the future open, saying who knew what it held, she knew it didn’t hold any hope for the two of them to be together.  She told him as much.

Sam watched the couple as long as he could.  Forced himself to see how Dean bent to her, memorizing it in spite of the hate that filled his heart.  He needed to see this, needed to vaccinate himself against hope that this could be what he might have with Dean some day.  He knew in his head it could never be, but this trip had shown him that his heart had never been sure.  In that instant, he realized some small part of him had been holding out hope.  But now he knew.  It wasn’t just the fact that Dean was his brother and that taboo was standing between them, keeping them apart, but now he knew his brother’s heart was occupied by someone else entirely. 

As their kiss goodbye lingered, Sam couldn’t take anymore.  He looked away, his heart feeling more hollow than he ever thought possible. The only bit of relief Sam took from the soul ripping experience, was that Dean was in the car with him as he drove away.

After a few miles of Dean sitting in silence, staring out the window away from Sam, his brother couldn’t take it anymore.  Sam tried not to look at Dean as he lied, needing Dean to believe him, “I like her.” 

He tried to keep the sadness out of his voice, but not sure he had succeeded, glancing over at Dean to see his reaction to the statement.  All Dean said, still without making eye contact with Sam was, “Yeah.”

Dean hadn’t looked at Sam since getting in the car.  He couldn’t face his brother while all the emotions he had swimming inside himself made Dean feel melancholy.  He was desperately, profoundly, neverendingly in love with his pain in the ass little brother.  No amount of escape with any woman would ever change that or fix that.  He had no idea how his heart would survive being on the road with Sam, but felt even less sure of his own survival if Sam decided to leave him once more for Stanford.  He mused quietly in spite of Sam trying to engage him about Cassie.

Sam breathed in his brother’s sad energy. Took a beat and then said, “You meet someone like her,” He blew out a breath slowly, trying to calm his own heart before continuing, “Ever make you wonder if it’s worth it, putting everything else on hold, doing what we do?”

He wasn’t sure what answer he expected from Dean.  He didn’t want to hear that it did make him question it.  Dean loving hunting, never being able to get enough of being behind the wheel of his beloved car, it was who Dean had always been in Sam’s mind.  If he decided he would rather stop, to be with some woman, it would break Sam. 

Yes, he knew Dean deserved to be happy, deserved whatever life he wanted, but the thought of that life being away from Sam, he didn’t know how he would go on, if that ever happened.  So he awaited Dean’s response, trying to look relaxed and at ease, with whatever the answer might be, but feeling like his head was in a noose and he was waiting for the hangman to pull the lever, which would drop the floor out from under him.

Dean turned to Sam, looking at him for the first time, since leaving their last case behind. For once, Dean was unable to hide the love, he felt for Sam, from washing across his own face, his eyes shining brightly as he took in Sam’s profile.  He watched intently as Sam felt Dean’s attention on him, turning meet Dean’s eyes for the first time that morning.

They stared across the small space separating them, Sam’s stomach clenching, his heart racing.  He didn’t understand the mysterious look Dean was giving him, but it made his blood run hot, making his breath catch harshly in his throat, lighting a fire in his chest.

Dean turned from the stare, a deep dimple forming around the beginnings of his smile, making his cheek round beautifully. Happy lines forming at his eyes as his own heart filled with love for his brother.  How could Sam possibly think he could ever want anything more than this, than them here, on the road together, off to their next hunt. 

He couldn’t possibly put any of that into words, and realized he was losing a battle with himself to even try to hide his love from Sam, right now. So he hid his emotions behind thick dark sunglasses, telling Sam he was going to sleep and to wake him when it was his turn to drive.  But Dean knew full well, he wouldn’t be sleeping, not with thoughts swirling around in his head, of all the ways he wished he could take Sam apart, and prove to him that he never wanted anything more than him in his life.

Sam watched, more confused now than he might have ever been in his life, his inscrutable brother, laying his head back, having neither answered his question, nor seeming to care, that he was leaving Sam hanging, with a million more queries, on his lips.

**Author's Note:**

> I have never been a fan of this episode. I hated the idea of Dean being so hurt by someone. But upon this re-watch, with my Wincest Colored Glasses firmly planted on my eyes, everything changed. It is now one of my favorites. There was soooooo much Wincesty goodness to be seen here. I couldn't believe it. 
> 
> For many of the scenes, I paused and rewatched, just for the beautiful nuances from Jared and Jensen. They are both so brilliant and emote so much with just their faces, using such amazing non verbal cues to convey entire conversations between them. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this one. It was truly surprising to me how much fun I had writing it when I expected to hate it.
> 
> Thank you again for all the support this series has received. I cannot thank you enough for the kudos and wonderful comments!!!


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